We are Fucked Up

Over a year ago I hit a peak it my life and pursued discipleship no matter what the cost. Every hour I'd be asking God to give me the eyes of Christ. When that happened, I began to see everyone in a new light. It killed me. I only saw brokenness. All around campus I watched fake smiles and people convincing themselves they were fulfilled with fleeting things. Day by day, I'd realize that everyone needed something and that I was incapable of giving it. I decided that seeing people like Christ was the worst gift I've ever been given from God. I renounced my abilities after a few nights of wishing I was dead. I openly accepted again the blinders that had previously covered my eyes. I wanted nothing to do with compassion because I wanted nothing to do with suffering.

Last night as we worshiped as study abroad students for the last service together of the semester, I realized that everything I've learned here point to one thing: discipleship means inevitable suffering. And with someone who has chemical imbalances like me, someone who when he wakes up has to try to convince himself that there is still hope somewhere on earth, hidden from principalities and powers and empire and government and self-righteousness and religious systems and nationalism, this is no easy task. Sometimes I see God everywhere, in everyone and everything, but most of the time He's just hiding Himself and He's nowhere to be seen. But for whatever reason, whether spiritual or intellectual or wishful thinking, I think He's still out there amidst all of this suffering. So last night I decided I'd ask God again to give me those eyes of Christ, and this time whenever I am experience this intense global suffering where all creation groans, I'm going to address the issue through living in solidarity with these broken people. When depression is the heaviest weight, I will try to bare my cross. Maybe I'll give up again, but hopefully I won't.

When I read about how Museveni, Uganda's president/dictator, is considered a "beacon of light in Africa" according to how he is portrayed in the west, I want to vomit. He's broken like us - skewing statistics about unemployment, peace, and education for the sake of satisfying the international community. These stats are what keep the US and Britain, the two major donors to his government, grounds to aid "Uganda." Everyone knows that Ugandans are not receiving these funds. Through corruption, the money given to the government is hoarded by government leaders to supply full dinner plates. Museveni's (I use his name not only to represent him but also his coleaders) greed can be found in his stomach. The money kept for the government is to build the Ugandan military to defend from the LRA (who hasn't attacked once in over a year). But you can't fight the LRA with force - you are then fighting children who have been abducted and enslaved to kill so that they may live. You want to fight with negotiation, not with physical power. But now my attitude in not cynicism. If I can, I will embrace solidarity with the Ugandan people by suffering this atrocity alongside of them. And they will teach me that Christ is NOT working through any kingdom of this world. He has no country with borders. His kingdom transcends all nations and political systems. The one who has been slaughtered through humility has conquered through his suffering.

Why the hell are we at war? Why the hell are we further corrupting developing nations when we have the means to being good health? The only way I can describe how the United States government prioritizes and operates is that it is fucked up. Any other words are not sufficient to describe the brokenness within this worldly system. If our country is at all associated with the right God, we will realize this. The True Kingdom is in this world, but operates completely opposite and in a revolutionary way from what we know. The Kingdom has come but is not fully here, and we are responsible to keep it coming. I am responsible, and so are you. I am willing to suffer at the expense of my life, unlike before. I am pledging allegiance under the correct God, not an artificial establishment.

Last night at the end of our worship service we sang about a God with a Mighty Hand and Outstretched Arm. We sang about how forever this God is strong. But what we also sang about how forever God is with us. Is anyone else hearing this irony when they sing? The God that has a mighty hand and can create an entire universe or wipe out entire nations at the blink of an eye chose to reveal his true self by becoming God-with-us. Emmanuel is a God who took on suffering, refusing to come down from the cross. He became a man tempted in all the same ways as me. That means that over a year ago he saw in the same way, perhaps in a deeper manner, the same brokenness I saw. He rides on the donkey and overcomes his enemies through suffering and love. I hope this post does not find you, as the reader, with closed ears and heart. I hope it speaks a love to you that is worth dying for, and I hope that you feel empowered not to admire or worship Jesus but to follow him. I hope you do not separate your right belief from your right action, your telos from your praxix. But I do hope you separate your nation, your earthly system of how things are to operate, from the Kingdom to which you should truly adhere.